Life Coaching for Mindfulness

By Doro Kiley, Professional Certified Coach

The Buddhist meditation practice of mindfulness sets the foundation for the cultivation of what is now-a-days called the "Law of Attraction". Without a profound ability to quiet the mind and let go of grasping, compulsive, negative thinking any positive results we hope for are going to be fruitless.

                                    "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that drives the cart. Speak or act with a pure mind and happiness will follow you as your shadow: unshakable." 
~ The Buddha (Dhammapada) ~

Ram Dass once said, "Give it all up and you can have it all." At first this sounds absurd but a deeper look illuminates the logic. If you don't know how to swim and you fall into deep water someone telling you to ‘relax and float' will sound ludicrous because you're terrified of drowning. It takes absolute willingness to surrender, even die, in order to relax and float in the face of drowning. Having great faith in the universe, or God or whatever you want to call it, sounds ideal until you're put to the test. But the logic is there. To relax and float in deep water is what mindfulness is in the chaos if living. It's where our life is.

Mindfulness is one of the core practices of Buddhism. It is the seventh step of the Noble Eightfold Path.  The first six steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are in preparation for this step and at the same time they are strengthened by this step. The first two steps include Right Understanding and Right Thought. Generally these practices foster the common sense that to quiet the mind and choose your thoughts wisely leads to peace of mind. Our mind is like a garden with every imaginable type of seed always ready to sprout. We have the power to choose which seeds we water and which ones we ignore or weed out. When we choose to cultivate seeds of loving friendliness, compassion and forgiveness and let go of the seeds of anger, resentment and greed then we are more able to cultivate a pleasing and peaceful mind.

The next three steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Speech, Right Action and Right Livelihood. Again, these steps are in preparation for the next steps and at the same time are strengthened by the next steps.  These three steps are about morality and integrity. A person who has nothing to worry about or feel guilty about is laying a more stable foundation for a calm mind. When we feel sure that we are doing the best we can do with what we have, then we are more able to let go of anxiety, compulsive and fearful thoughts. A shift in consciousness begins to take place which feels more expansive, more inclusive and embracing of everything and everyone around us. It fosters a feeling of love and an altruistic wish for others to experience the same.

The sixth step of the Noble Eightfold Path is Right Effort. This is the practice of remembering and applying our commitment to cultivating a more peaceful mind. When we find ourselves in a situation where a decision must be made then we train ourselves to remember to choose wisely, with integrity, morality and compassion. We remember that although it may feel more tempting in the moment to react with anger, lust or greed, the end result will not empower us but rather weaken us. With this understanding we apply more intention to move toward our real goal; happiness rather than react out of habit to something that will cultivate unhappiness.

At last we come to the seventh step of the Noble Eightfold Path; Right Mindfulness . Simply put, Mindfulness is the moment to moment awareness of that which is actually happening in the present moment regarding bodily sensations, feelings/emotions, impulses, thoughts and mental images.  It is a state of silent curiosity and listening without the interference of the mind's effort to explain, label and rationalize things. This practice helps us to cultivate ‘the witness'. It opens us up to new insights regarding the true characteristics of our self and things we are presently perceiving.  This further awakens our potential to choose our thoughts and actions and design our life with more devout intention and skill.

It is through the practice of mindfulness that we are able to see more clearly when we are engaging in negative thoughts and producing ill effects in our body and in our relationships. When we can catch ourselves early on, before we spiral into compulsive and damaging thoughts, speech and behavior then we are more easily able to stop the process, let go of the suffering we are generating and relax again. Mindfulness is the practice of recognizing the tipping points that lead into spirals. It sets the foundation for letting go and the next step of allowing which teaches us how to float before learning how to swim.

The Law of Attraction has received much criticism and it is easy to see why. It simply doesn't work if we are not well practiced in the skill of mindfulness and the ability to let go of unhelpful thoughts. It takes practice and commitment. After all it is the seventh step of the Noble Eightfold Path and the first six steps are all designed to help develop this practice. In the most profound sense it requires a willingness to die in the lap of the universe. Once you surrender you finally realize there is no finality, no absolute death, only transitions and cycles. The opposite of birth is death but there is no opposite of life which has no beginning and no end.

The other reason the Law of Attraction has attracted such criticism is because so much of the way it is taught aims at personal, material abundance rather than the real goal which is happiness. Reaching for a million dollars because you hate being poor just brings more poverty. Happiness must come first. When you are well established in a mind of allowance and gratitude despite your outer conditions then anything becomes possible and the funny thing is, it won't matter at that point if you get your million dollars or not.

You may be wondering what the eighth step is on the Noble Eightfold Path. It is Right Concentration. This is a powerful sitting meditation practice which takes us beyond the mind altogether and into the limitless, universal consciousness; the unmanifest essence of life and its creative potential. One could say, everything before this step is our ‘dance with the universe', the small mind and the big Mind dancing together. The step of Right Concentration is where both dance partners - little mind and big Mind - actually merge into One and the dance rests. 

Life coaching for mindfulness is not about studying Buddhism or the Law of Attraction. It's not about studying anything. In fact it's more about cultivating the ability - no matter how brief - to stop judging, stop analyzing, worrying and planning. It's about setting these things aside to allow ourselves to discover what we are without them. Indeed we have no idea what we are because what we are is beyond ideas. The only way to touch it is to be present. The past and future are just masses of synaptic constructions and re-constructions taking place in the little space between our ears effectively keeping us in a state of semi-consciousness. To quote Alfred Korzybski, "The map is not the territory." Life is ever only happening in this present wellspring we call ‘now' to which most of us are asleep most of the time.

Life coaching for mindfulness is having someone to remind you of what you are already aware of on some level. It helps you to recognize more often when your mind is spinning out. It may even show you the edge of where you think you just can't go. And, perhaps more importantly, coaching for mindfulness can support and help you balance what may seem like opposing inner and outer life influences. For most people, a lasting state of fully awakened consciousness doesn't happen suddenly. It more often happens in stages like pealing away the layers of an onion. For others there is a sudden, full awakening only to be lured back into semi-sleep and followed by multiple reawakenings of various degrees. Confusion may abound between moments of reawakening to presence and having a good Sangha (spiritually supportive friends and community) becomes increasingly important until balance is achieved. In today's world a true Sangha may not be available to provide the support we feel we need. Coaching for mindfulness helps to fill that need.

"On a long journey, it is essential to go with Good companions;
Purify your eyes and ears again and again.
When you stay somewhere choose your company;
Listen to what you have not heard time and again.
This is the basis of the saying:
‘It was my parents who bore me; it was my companions who raised me.' "  ~  Kuei-shan Ling-yu (771-854)~

Doro Kiley is a Professional Certified Coach through the International Coach Federation.

To learn more go to www.creationcoach.com or call 540-929-4703.

Create the Life You Want vs. Accept Life As It Is


I like to think of the great artist Michelangelo who, when asked, how he could create such magnificent works of art he said he would 'sit' with the large slab of marble until, out of all the infinite potentials it contained, the perfect image that wanted to be born would 'show itself' and become clearly apparent to him. All he had to do was follow the lines, step by step, to reveal it.

In Buddhism and Vedic lineages the phrase "follow your Dharma" means to live life's perfection, which is the same concept. In every moment, out of all the infinite potentials, there is contained one perfect action wanting to ‘be born’. By 'following your dharma' your perfect life unfolds.

The ego wants to assert itself and believe "I am creating the life I want" but the ego cannot create the perfect life. Its nature is confusion due to fear. Its perspective is limited. It has to step aside and allow all the perfect step-by-step actions - like Michelangelo following the lines with his chisel on the marble -to reveal the next move, which results in the most beautiful work of art we call 'my perfect life'. And in the truest sense, that IS the life you really want. Nothing the ego can do would improve on it.

So it is a dilemma because the ego always wants to take credit and control. But that's the only dilemma. Put that one aside and your perfect life is revealed and each step becomes apparent.

http://www.creationcoach.com

Authenticity is a word often used but what is it? The dictionary describes it as this:
au•then•tic –adjective
1. not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique.
2. having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified.
3. entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy.

This definition begs the questions; what is my real, true and genuine life? What is reliable and trustworthy? In Buddhism the state of pure, awakened consciousness is the only reality. Everything else is in a state of flux, struggle and contrast, which the Buddha simply called ‘suffering’. The awakened state of consciousness is the liberation from the identification of what we call ‘my’ life and you instead become the witness to this life unfolding.

A visual way of looking at it might be by taking the example of a car to represent your mind. Imagine all your life you’ve been driving and living in this car. It’s a great car and it really gets you places but you’ve never been able to get out of your car. You can read maps and figure out where to go, step on the gas and you’ll get there. You can take pictures and see other cars around you but you never leave your car. You never even knew you could. Your car is as much a part of you as your legs. Then, one day you get thrown out of it and land on the ground. Everything looks and feels different, spacious, grounded and, well…real. Finally you very carefully get back in your car but it’s different now. It’s not ‘you’. It’s just a vehicle to get you around. You can get out of the car and feel the grass under your feet and smell the flowers anytime. This now becomes your authentic life. Your car (your mind) becomes your tool and not your identity.

The Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path is a user’s manual with instructions for how to extricate yourself from your identity with your mind. The first step is understanding that the only thing the mind can do is rehash the past or worry/fascinate itself with labels, visions, ideas and anticipations. All of this is just the endless firing of neurons between the two ears; an evolutionary tool for functioning in the world. In Buddhism, the erroneous preoccupation and identification with past and future is the illusion. That is to say it’s the car not your true being.

But the mind cannot function in the split, razor’s edge of time we call ‘now’. To train your focus on the present moment the mind stops, we step out of our car and experience life as it is; the breath, the bird chirping, cold feet, blue sky. But even labeling these things as “bird chirping”, “cold feet”, “blue sky” is more mental activity. Focus more deeply and there will just be vibration on your ear, sensation in your feet, energy in your eyes. This is authentic life. This is the experience of mindfulness.

The first six steps of the Noble Eightfold Path, which is our user’s guide to authentic living, are all about how to begin calming the mind down in order to make it easier to extricate your deeply-knitted personal investment in your thoughts and emotions. Much of it has simply to do with living a moral and ethical life to minimize conflicting thoughts and fears around guilt, shame, defensiveness and regret.

As we begin taking steps in this direction the unexpected bonus is that as the mind clams down so does our life. We sleep better, our relationships improve, suddenly there’s more space in the day where there seemed like none before. Even the old irritating friends and acquaintances seem to slip quietly away. At last life begins to feel more real. The mind continues to grab at us and lure us back in again and again but, just like the car, once you have stepped out of it you realize it’s not you. You may continue to drive it but you can never be completely identified with it again. You are beginning to live mindfully and authentically.

The eighth step is concentration, which is a much deeper state of sitting meditation. This is where everything reveals itself and beyond the scope of this short article. For now, strive to live authentically. The rest will follow.

The Noble Eightfold Path
1. Right Understanding
2. Right Intention
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

Suggested reading:

Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana

Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness by Bhante Gunaratana

I was born in Long Island, NY in 1954 and raised outside New York City. My father,Richard Kiley, was one of Broadway's finest actor/singers and Hollywood's film actors. He is also famous as the original singer of The Impossible Dream. (It's no wonder I believe anything is possible!). Up to the age of 14, I was raised among the most famous and wealthy of stage and film. At the age of 14 my parents divorced. For a while my mother found her own identity as a strong political campaigner, writer and activist until she became ill with emphysema.

Most of my childhood was a blur of shaking hands with faces I'd seen on stage and television, theater parties, embassy dinners and parties at the White House. I spent countless nights backstage on Broadway, days behind the studio cameras in Hollywood and evenings with friends whose parents were foreign ambassadors
and politicians.

Two years after my parents divorced, my life with my mother and 5 siblings began plunging in and out of financial chaos. My mother was a highly adored socialite and lover of life but had no sense of financial balance and planning. The ebb and flow of money took us from 1st class vacations around the world to cooking hot-dogs in the fire place when the heat and electricity were shut off. We went from living in a 52 room mansion with our maid to living in a friend's basements and motels. We went from having to go to work as waitresses and cashiers to put food on the table then back to red-carpet galleries,
travel, gifts and indulgences and then back into poverty again.

But beyond the experiences of loss and gain, both my parents instilled in me a perception of life as a creative adventure and a spiritual challenge. I took this challenge to heart at the young age of 13 and launched myself into a spiritual quest in pursuit of the impossible dream; complete fulfillment; that elusive butterfly of real happiness. The result was a profound spiritual awakening in 1979 at age 25.

In 1981 I moved to France for 10 years while raising 3 wonderful children who are now having children of their own. I live a simple life tucked deep in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia with my loving cat and dog from the animal shelter.

My other joys in life are scuba diving, gardening and
watching the sun rise.

---

My Spiritual Quest

Important to me was the fact that my parents where both deeply spiritual people in their own unusual ways - and in the early 50s they were very ahead of their time. They both shared a deep curiosity about the mysteries of the universe and what part our minds played in the workings of all that.

I remember in the 1950's my father was already exploring meditation, yoga and the great philosophers and gurus. My mother immersed herself in a plethora of spiritual paths; the teachings of Jesus, psychic phenomenon, astrology, palmistry, acupuncture and the Chi of the Chinese meridians.

I'd have to say that the spiritual perspectives and curiosity they shared in combination was the foundation of whatever I perceive my 'self' to be now. Their encouragement for me (and all my siblings) to find the perfect spiritual path for each one of us set the standard long ago for what I (we) are today.

To make a long story short I tried many churches and read the Bible twice through. I watched every religious movie about Jesus, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. I found some 'gems' from everything I studied that resonated 'true' and a lot that didn't. The stories about Jesus were quite inspiring and I felt (and still feel) connected to the spirit of those stories but the open hearted connection wouldn't last. The stories were enough to inspire me but not 'complete me'. I didn't want to just be inspired. If anything I wanted to know how to 'be' Jesus. I really wanted to understand why he was the way he was. So, the search for somehow feeling 'complete' kept eluding me.

I studied astrology, numerology, palmistry, biorhythms, the paranormal and psychic phenomenon, angels, fairies, imps and demons; I engaged in witchcraft and paganism. They were all fascinating and I believe real and true but didn't really do much for me. In the 60's I tried drugs and explored a lot of different drug induced states of consciousness. Yes, I even went to Woodstock.

I studied the Vedic gods and goddesses, the Mahabharata, the Bhagavad Gita, the Ramayana and a lot of the teachers and gurus that went with them. I studied Dreams and Jungian therapy, I took T'ai Chi and studied massage, the Chinese meridians, EFT and all kinds of alternative health approached to spiritual/emotional/physical balance. Still, no feeling of completeness; only a little fascination and satisfaction of my curiosity for a while.

In 1975 my mother introduced me to a new book called the Tao of Physics. She said it was 'evidence' that the mind was the builder and the destroyer of the universe; something she had always believed in and her father, a doctor, had taught her. The subject of Quantum Physics postulates that we are creating our life experience through the power of our mind; like a dream. That perked up my interest more in 'mind as the builder' and later, I came across the Abraham Hicks teachings about the 'The Law of Allowing', 'The Law of Attraction' and the 'Law of Segment Intending'. And though I found it fascinating and had seen decades of consistent evidence to back it up- I knew it was true- but I still felt like something else was missing.

In the late 70's in the midst of all my intense yoga and meditation I had an awakening. During a Conscious Living/Conscious Dying retreat with Steven Levine, while in meditation and following my breath I became very concentrated, I saw my breath fading into nothing and slowly stop, there was a soft "whoosh" is my ears and a flash of light and I slipped into a profound state of absorption. It was a state of peace and 'softness' like I'd never known before. My physical pain from sitting was transformed into 'just energy'. I could have sat forever. I was 'complete'- no thought, no time, no desire to do or be anything. The sense of peace and absolute fulfillment was all pervasive. The needy 'little me' was gone.

After a while I heard Steven's soft voice- instructing us to come out of meditation. The world began to slowly reappear and the sense of 'me' gradually reconstructed itself. Soon afterward I had the opportunity to ask Steven. I told him I'd stopped breathing and he said "Just watch it". Afterward I wondered if I was really dying and going into 'the light' and that perhaps I just hadn't conveyed this to him clearly enough since he was telling me to just watch it. Was he really saying go ahead and die? After all I was at a conscious dying retreat! He said, "Just watch it." I could feel a slight twinge in me and felt a realization that I wasn't completely ready for that.

Yet something has remained changed. I began seeing and experienced things very differently, with a profound connection to people and things around me. Everything was 'transparent' and all the movement and activities around me were unfolding out of nothingness. There was no judgment. I was simply a witness to the movement around me and the energy of my senses. I had no more desire to smoke (I was a heavy smoker), I had no desire to eat; I lost 15 lb.. I was complete and content with a sense of profound peace. Everything I perceived was somehow an extension of myself in a state of profound equanimity.

After some time I began pondering what Steven had said, "Just watch it." And I wondered if he'd understood me or perhaps he wasn't familiar with this type of experience or maybe it really shouldn't matter if I did just die. Even though I continued to enjoy the peaceful effects, over time I slowly became increasingly concerned about "what if I stop breathing and die while I'm in meditation?". I can see now that this was the remains of my ego fighting for its life and struggling to recreate itself and in fact all I really needed was let it go.

Instead I slowly began wondering if I was "losing my mind".

My search for understanding intensified. I began to read and read anything I could find about death and life transitions, the afterlife, world-melt-downs, spiritual crisis, the dissolution of the ego. In college I studied normal, developmental and abnormal psychology.

Then in the mid 90s, I began exploring Theravada Buddhism more intensely. Theravada Buddhism includes Vispassana; also known as Insight meditation which I was already familiar with. Vispassana is what I had been practicing with Steven Levine in the 70s. It's often the meditation practice of choice used by such teachers as Ram Dass, Thich Nhat Hahn, John Cabot-Zinn, S.N. Goenka, Jack Cornfield, Joseph Goldstein, Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle and many more.

Vipassana, as with Zen, gives rise to a deep understanding (insight) of the nature of impermanence and selflessness, the transitory/ unsatisfactory nature of all things. It provides a way of seeing life as 'passing show' while being a still and centered witness to phenomenon. It's the seventh step on the Eightfold Path just prior to the last step which I was not familiar with; Concentration and the Jhanas.

In 1999 I was continuing my Buddhist studies at a Theravada Buddhist Monastery called The Bhavana Society. I attended a discourse given by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana (Bhante G). In that discourse I found my answer. Bhante G was talking about something I'd never explored. It was; Jhana meditation. It turns out to be the last step of the Eightfold Path. He described the experience as follows,

"In Jhana meditation while concentrating on one point in your breath you will see your breath fading and may slowly seem to stop, there may be a flash of light and you may slip into a deep state of absorption. It's a state of deep peace and your physical pains will be sensation only. That's the first stage of enlightenment."

That was it. That was the answer I was looking for. I continued to study and completed the Bhavana's Society's Advanced Teacher Training Course in the summer of 2002.

I have come to see the importance of cultivating the heart as an integral part of awakening. It is this understanding that has guided me toward supporting the efforts of people in search of deeper meaning in a way that also supports and integrates into my livelihood - life coaching.

The meditation and coaching I offer now often involves a deep look at actions, beliefs and thoughts and how they might be supporting or hindering progress toward our ultimate goal- happiness.

Since my awakening in 1979 I have observed life's dreamlike nature. Awakening rarely happens all at once. More common is a series of small awakenings like pealing away layers of an onion. Such has been my case. However, as Ram Dass once so aptly stated, "Once you wake up you can never go completely back to sleep. You can try but you can't" In my experience meditation practice with the cultivation of the heart and mindfulness is the only way to stay comfortably awake. Without it we drift back into semi-dreamlike confusion and cannot easily discern illusion from reality.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.
Speak and act with a pure mind and happiness will follow you as your shadow; unshakable."

~ Dhammapada ~