My Personal History in a Nutshell

I was born in Long Island, NY in 1954 and raised outside New York City. My father,Richard Kiley, was one of Broadway's finest actor/singers and Hollywood's film actors. He is also famous as the original singer of The Impossible Dream. (It's no wonder I believe anything is possible!). Up to the age of 14, I was raised among the most famous and wealthy of stage and film. At the age of 14 my parents divorced. For a while my mother found her own identity as a strong political campaigner, writer and activist until she became ill with emphysema.

Most of my childhood was a blur of shaking hands with faces I'd seen on stage and television, theater parties, embassy dinners and parties at the White House. I spent countless nights backstage on Broadway, days behind the studio cameras in Hollywood and evenings with friends whose parents were foreign ambassadors
and politicians.

Two years after my parents divorced, my life with my mother and 5 siblings began plunging in and out of financial chaos. My mother was a highly adored socialite and lover of life but had no sense of financial balance and planning. The ebb and flow of money took us from 1st class vacations around the world to cooking hot-dogs in the fire place when the heat and electricity were shut off. We went from living in a 52 room mansion with our maid to living in a friend's basements and motels. We went from having to go to work as waitresses and cashiers to put food on the table then back to red-carpet galleries,
travel, gifts and indulgences and then back into poverty again.

But beyond the experiences of loss and gain, both my parents instilled in me a perception of life as a creative adventure and a spiritual challenge. I took this challenge to heart at the young age of 13 and launched myself into a spiritual quest in pursuit of the impossible dream; complete fulfillment; that elusive butterfly of real happiness. The result was a profound spiritual awakening in 1979 at age 25.

In 1981 I moved to France for 10 years while raising 3 wonderful children who are now having children of their own. I live a simple life tucked deep in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia with my loving cat and dog from the animal shelter.

My other joys in life are scuba diving, gardening and
watching the sun rise.

My Spiritual Quest

Important to me was the fact that my parents where both deeply spiritual people in their own unusual ways - and in the early 50s they were very ahead of their time. They both shared a deep curiosity about the mysteries of the universe and what part our minds played in the workings of all that.

I remember in the 1950's my father was already exploring meditation, yoga and the great philosophers and gurus. My mother immersed herself in a plethora of spiritual paths; the teachings of Jesus, psychic phenomenon, astrology, palmistry, acupuncture and the Chi of the Chinese meridians.

I'd have to say that the spiritual perspectives and curiosity they shared in combination was the foundation of whatever I perceive my 'self' to be now. Their encouragement for me (and all my siblings) to find the perfect spiritual path for each one of us set the standard long ago for what I (we) are today.

To make a long story short I tried many churches and read the Bible twice through. I watched every religious movie about Jesus, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. I found some 'gems' from everything I studied that resonated 'true' and a lot that didn't. The stories about Jesus were quite inspiring and I felt (and still feel) connected to the spirit of those stories but the open hearted connection wouldn't last. The stories were enough to inspire me but not 'complete me'. I didn't want to just be inspired. If anything I wanted to know how to 'be' Jesus. I really wanted to understand why he was the way he was. So, the search for somehow feeling 'complete' kept eluding me.

I studied astrology, numerology, palmistry, biorhythms, the paranormal and psychic phenomenon, angels, fairies, imps and demons; I engaged in witchcraft and paganism. They were all fascinating and I believe real and true but didn't really do much for me. In the 60's I tried drugs and explored a lot of different drug induced states of consciousness. Yes, I even went to Woodstock.

I studied the Vedic gods and goddesses, the Mahabharata, the Bhagavad Gita, the Ramayana and a lot of the teachers and gurus that went with them. I studied Dreams and Jungian therapy, I took T'ai Chi and studied massage, the Chinese meridians, EFT and all kinds of alternative health approached to spiritual/emotional/physical balance. Still, no feeling of completeness; only a little fascination and satisfaction of my curiosity for a while.

In 1975 my mother introduced me to a new book called the Tao of Physics. She said it was 'evidence' that the mind was the builder and the destroyer of the universe; something she had always believed in and her father, a doctor, had taught her. The subject of Quantum Physics postulates that we are creating our life experience through the power of our mind; like a dream. That perked up my interest more in 'mind as the builder' and later, I came across the Abraham Hicks teachings about the 'The Law of Allowing', 'The Law of Attraction' and the 'Law of Segment Intending'. And though I found it fascinating and had seen decades of consistent evidence to back it up- I knew it was true- but I still felt like something else was missing.

In the late 70's in the midst of all my intense yoga and meditation I had an awakening. During a Conscious Living/Conscious Dying retreat with Steven Levine, while in meditation and following my breath I became very concentrated, I saw my breath fading into nothing and slowly stop, there was a soft "whoosh" is my ears and a flash of light and I slipped into a profound state of absorption. It was a state of peace and 'softness' like I'd never known before. My physical pain from sitting was transformed into 'just energy'. I could have sat forever. I was 'complete'- no thought, no time, no desire to do or be anything. The sense of peace and absolute fulfillment was all pervasive. The needy 'little me' was gone.

After a while I heard Steven's soft voice- instructing us to come out of meditation. The world began to slowly reappear and the sense of 'me' gradually reconstructed itself. Soon afterward I had the opportunity to ask Steven. I told him I'd stopped breathing and he said "Just watch it". Afterward I wondered if I was really dying and going into 'the light' and that perhaps I just hadn't conveyed this to him clearly enough since he was telling me to just watch it. Was he really saying go ahead and die? After all I was at a conscious dying retreat! He said, "Just watch it." I could feel a slight twinge in me and felt a realization that I wasn't completely ready for that.

Yet something has remained changed. I began seeing and experienced things very differently, with a profound connection to people and things around me. Everything was 'transparent' and all the movement and activities around me were unfolding out of nothingness. There was no judgment. I was simply a witness to the movement around me and the energy of my senses. I had no more desire to smoke (I was a heavy smoker), I had no desire to eat; I lost 15 lb.. I was complete and content with a sense of profound peace. Everything I perceived was somehow an extension of myself in a state of profound equanimity.

After some time I began pondering what Steven had said, "Just watch it." And I wondered if he'd understood me or perhaps he wasn't familiar with this type of experience or maybe it really shouldn't matter if I did just die. Even though I continued to enjoy the peaceful effects, over time I slowly became increasingly concerned about "what if I stop breathing and die while I'm in meditation?". I can see now that this was the remains of my ego fighting for its life and struggling to recreate itself and in fact all I really needed was let it go.

Instead I slowly began wondering if I was "losing my mind".

My search for understanding intensified. I began to read and read anything I could find about death and life transitions, the afterlife, world-melt-downs, spiritual crisis, the dissolution of the ego. In college I studied normal, developmental and abnormal psychology.

Then in the mid 90s, I began exploring Theravada Buddhism more intensely. Theravada Buddhism includes Vispassana; also known as Insight meditation which I was already familiar with. Vispassana is what I had been practicing with Steven Levine in the 70s. It's often the meditation practice of choice used by such teachers as Ram Dass, Thich Nhat Hahn, John Cabot-Zinn, S.N. Goenka, Jack Cornfield, Joseph Goldstein, Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle and many more.

Vipassana, as with Zen, gives rise to a deep understanding (insight) of the nature of impermanence and selflessness, the transitory/ unsatisfactory nature of all things. It provides a way of seeing life as 'passing show' while being a still and centered witness to phenomenon. It's the seventh step on the Eightfold Path just prior to the last step which I was not familiar with; Concentration and the Jhanas.

In 1999 I was continuing my Buddhist studies at a Theravada Buddhist Monastery called The Bhavana Society. I attended a discourse given by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana (Bhante G). In that discourse I found my answer. Bhante G was talking about something I'd never explored. It was; Jhana meditation. It turns out to be the last step of the Eightfold Path. He described the experience as follows,

"In Jhana meditation while concentrating on one point in your breath you will see your breath fading and may slowly seem to stop, there may be a flash of light and you may slip into a deep state of absorption. It's a state of deep peace and your physical pains will be sensation only. That's the first stage of enlightenment."

That was it. That was the answer I was looking for. I continued to study and completed the Bhavana's Society's Advanced Teacher Training Course in the summer of 2002.

I have come to see the importance of cultivating the heart as an integral part of awakening. It is this understanding that has guided me toward supporting the efforts of people in search of deeper meaning in a way that also supports and integrates into my livelihood - life coaching.

The meditation and coaching I offer now often involves a deep look at actions, beliefs and thoughts and how they might be supporting or hindering progress toward our ultimate goal- happiness.

Since my awakening in 1979 I have observed life's dreamlike nature. Awakening rarely happens all at once. More common is a series of small awakenings like pealing away layers of an onion. Such has been my case. However, as Ram Dass once so aptly stated, "Once you wake up you can never go completely back to sleep. You can try but you can't" In my experience meditation practice with the cultivation of the heart and mindfulness is the only way to stay comfortably awake. Without it we drift back into semi-dreamlike confusion and cannot easily discern illusion from reality.

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.
Speak and act with a pure mind and happiness will follow you as your shadow; unshakable."

~ Dhammapada ~